I thought I’d gain a little revenge on the child who, from the moment of conception, threw my body into chaos and now, nearly eighteen years later, refuses to acknowledge me. I do love him for lots of reasons, but one of the things I love the most is the kid’s razor wit. Here are some of the things he’s said recently.

1. (After waking up “too early” on a Saturday morning–you know, around eleven a.m.) “Now I know how France feels. Every weekend, my bedroom is occupied by invaders.” He meant our pets who barrel into his room to let him know it’s their time to sleep in there.

2. “You’ve made a horrible mistake. You put the Christmas chocolates out too early and now they’re almost gone. Oh, the humanity!” Guess who ate them all?

3. “Could you do the grocery shopping alone please? When you take Tori, we wind up with a refrigerator full of stuff like kale. When you go with Dad, there’s nothing but chocolate cat cookies. When you go alone, you’re able to focus on getting real food.”

4. (To his sister when she’s watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills): “Here’s what happens next. Fill-in-the-blank will call Fill-in-the-blank2 a bitch and some feelings will be hurt.” Actually, he nailed this one!

5. (In response to the question, “Ooh, is that peppermint ice cream?” from his dad): “No, it’s cat turd. Trust me, you won’t like it.” 

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